From now on my journal will be friends-locked.
Nothing will change for you guys, it’s just to make me more comfortable. I don’t want to not post things because I’m scared of who could read them, that’s not the purpose of this whole thing.
I also want to make sure there won’t be any more misquotations on music blogs, I don’t want my friends to get hurt because I’m too lazy to lock my shit. I want to be as open as ever, it’s just I feel that some personal things aren’t meant for the whole world’s eyes.
Of course I’m keeping everyone on my flist and am always open for new friends.
♥

Do you know what it feels like to meet someone you’ve not spoken to for a long time (half a year in this case) and then it suddenly hits you how awesome they are when you see them again? Exactly that happened to me.

( Land Of Talk at Café Glocksee, Hannover 29/04/08 )

I had the absolute best time ever on Tuesday. There's an epic post coming up, I already wrote it, just have to upload the photos. It really was a stunningly beautiful night.
I also had an interview at a local magazine yesterday and they're giving me a 2-week apprenticeship in September. I'm very happy about that, especially because the guy who was interviewing me told me they never start working before 10 am, so I can get enough sleep for two weeks. Hell yeah, go journalism. I didn't think I'd get that apprenticeship either, we have very few magazines here that offer apprenticeships, so they can afford to be picky. The interviewer seemed to be very positive about my grades though, I'm good at languages and social stuff and he says that's what matters to them (another validation of my opinion that maths, chemistry and phys. ed. will never matter in my life at all).
Today was dramatic! As you might know, my mother's in Russia, but before she went she managed to fuck up our internet connection. She canceled it because she wanted to have a cheaper one with another provider, but then the other provider said it would take two weeks to install, so she made a new contract with the old provider. However, she did not cancel the cancellation (el oh el), so our internet was turned off today at midnight. And because there's no communication going on in this flat I didn't know about this whole situation. So when I saw the internet wasn't working i called their customer service, they looked into our contracts and told me that they still had a valid cancellation. So I had to call around for three hours, explain the situation to various people all over Germany (of course everybody told me different things), but in the end I was successful and got a new code to get the connection going. They really had no choice, we do have a valid contract with them, but I think if I hadn't been as nice and understanding as I was (I did not bitch as lots of people tend to do on customer hotlines) it would've taken much longer and would've been more problematic.
Oh, bureaucracy.

Friday was a strange day.
First, I had a mini-breakdown due to a B+ I got in the latest German exam (which I still don’t understand). Then, just a few minutes after I had calmed myself down again, the phone rang, my mother picked up and in an instant I knew what happened. The same thing as in November. A phone call, a silence, then she started crying. Her father had died.
In November, her sister had passed away after battling cancer for years. She left a three-year-old son behind, whom my mother tries to visit as often as she can in Norway. My aunt didn’t want him to lose the bilingualism and his father can’t speak Russian, so this task is upon my mother. She doesn’t mind though, she loves small children (which I’ll never understand) and her family (which I also won’t ever understand).
On Friday it all happened again. Nobody knew how long my grandfather would live, but nobody had thought he’d leave that soon and suddenly, either. And I’m not good at consoling people. I’m even worse at consoling people who don’t even like me. Also, hearing my mother sob things like “but he was such a good person” made me think that death is a natural process at a certain age, or if you have a severe illness. It’s much more a tragedy that my aunt, who was in her forties and has a son who’ll never remember her, passed away than my grandfather, who had survived the Second World War, had found a wife he loved all his life, had two daughters who were able to go to Western Europe and who had met both his grandchildren (he’ll never have any he wouldn’t meet, both me and my cousin are only children).
Yesterday morning, my mother flew to Murmansk via Moscow to help her mother and attend the funeral. Right now it’s Easter in Russia, so they aren’t sure when the funeral can take place. I don’t know much about Russian orthodox people, but I think they don’t bury people on religious holidays. She’ll come back next Monday, though.
I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Why does this have to happen so shortly after what has happened in November? I thought I could finally breathe again and act normally around my mother. Now the circle will repeat itself, and once again I’ll be here to take the blame for everything and won’t be able to say a word she doesn’t like, and she doesn’t like anything I have to say, without having the blame for events thrown at me that I had no control of and have no responsibility for.
Thanks for bringing me into this family, life.

Wow. I just completed my country road driving. I wasn’t even that bad. Wow.
Next week I’ll do the night driving, then the freeways and after that it’s just preparation for the test. Sounds easy, but it isn’t. I still don’t feel comfortable while driving and am afraid of losing control. Tell me it’s gonna go away (lie if you must).

However, something awesome happened! A band I’ve been obsessed about since I saw them support The Decemberists, Land Of Talk, are coming to Hanover, which is just an hour away from me, next week!
I was checking the local venues and nearly fainted when I saw their name. They’re so lovely, their album is fantastic and they’re incredibly nice, too. I talked with the singer, Liz, every night after the shows (5 in total) back in September and they even gave me shout-outs on stage! I e-mailed them immediately and Liz told me that the show is even free (!!) and she’s looking forward to seeing me, aww.
This is such nice change, especially ‘cause I’ve been feeling sort of trapped (I get that after not getting out of my town for a couple of months) lately and this will be such a great reunion. I don’t have to miss school ‘cause it’s so near and my friend, who saw them in Berlin with me, is coming too. I honestly thought I’d never be seeing them again, they’re super unknown and Canadian, so there’s not exactly a fat chance of them coming to Germany or Europe that often. But this is just…beyond kjr3986üpobjöp0398üwröojn.
Can’t wait ‘til next Tuesday, their live show, meeting them again, getting away with my friend (even if it’s just for an evening) etc etc etc.

I feel sick.
This surely cannot be happening.

Studystudystudy. I WANT TO HAVE A BIT OF FREE TIME ON THE WEEKEND. Why do teachers think we don't have anything to do but study all day long?
Sure, I could just stop, but then I'd fail my exams. And there's this little voice inside my head telling me I'm letting my future go to waste by not studying.
So, today:
1. Spanish homework part 1
2. Start studying for computer science exam that on Tuesday
3. Start studying for music theory exam on Thursday

Tomorrow's the same, only with Spanish homework part 2 and a bit of this and that for my politics presentation. And then it's Monday. I should've done maths on the weekend but I won't 'cause I don't have that much time, so I'll just copy it off someone. Arrrgh, this is all so frustrating.
Computer science and music theory exams within a week. This is going to kill me. Crush me with pressure. I've had an A in the last cs exam and an A++ in the music theory one. I really don't wanna worsen, but it's going to happen, at least in music theory. Our teacher is crazy, we've only got 2 lessons a week and she's trying to teach us so much about the structure of symphonies and classical composition that I feel like I'm studying it at Uni. Doesn't she see that none of us get anything? It's too mich information in too little time. I thought teachers were supposed to know such things.
Why can't music theory be a bit like this (awesome interview btw)? I'd enjoy that.
Okay, so I'm off to dig a hole and live in it for the next two days. Yay.

I might get a new job. I was offered to sign a contract yesterday, but didn’t do it before actually trying it out and seeing how it fits into my time schedule (school, other job, driving lessons, reading time etc). It was also quite surprising because I had just applied the day before. They seemed to be enthusiastic about my 2 and a half years of experience as a promotional assistant, so I think that’s the reason.
I’m not going to tell you more about it just now, I’m a bit afraid of jinxing it by writing about it to soon like I did with my last job that didn’t quite come to be. So I’ll just leave it at that for now.

My driving seems to be improving, too! As if by magic I suddenly stopped sucking so hard and now only suck a bit. And most times the ‘mistakes’ aren’t caused by myself but by impatient drivers who apparently can’t deal with me being 30 seconds slower than an experienced driver. I’d like to see them in my shoes. It’s hard enough already without someone putting pressure on you and when they do I fail completely and my instructor has got to take over, greeeat.

Yesterday I watched Lars and the Real Girl at my local cinema. Blown away completely. What an incredibly touching film.
I’ve never seen Ryan Gosling in another film, but damn was he good. The scene where he tries to dance with Bianca at the party? Oh my God, I was lying in pieces.
Seems as if I have a soft spot for films about delusional young men (Donnie Darko, The Science Of Sleep, Harold and Maude…).
I want to be Lars’ girlfriend but he wouldn’t like me and I don’t like relationships.

Yay, I got an A+++ for my English presentation about serial killers today. I also impressed the teacher afterwards by a. saying I'd like to have made it longer because I find the psychological part fascinating (we had a time limit) and b. calling myself 'the nerdy type' when it comes to studying. Haha, I think he hates me a little less now. Though he still disapproves of people who have their own opinion and laugh at his stupid fake British accent.

But I came to the conclusion that the brain and Arcade Fire are made of pure evil. During the presentation and in Maths afterwards I felt the urge to shout
'Every time you close your eyes
Lies! Lies!'
at all times. I've listened to Rebellion (Lies) on the bus on the way to school and it just wouldn't get out of my head for the love of dog. Extremely distracting, that.

I also nearly feared for my sanity when I accidentally dropped my iPod on the changing room floor after gym class. I immediately imagined going to bed music-less, riding the bus music-less or working music-less. It was a nightmare. I picked it up, trembling, barely daring to touch it and turned it on, ready for the worst (as you've probably already figured my guarantee has long since elapsed). But it seemed to work okay, still I kept staring at it on the way home. Only after I successfully connected it to my computer and updated it did I dare believe my luck.
Stupid stupid girl. Note to self: Never dare to drop the holy iPod again unless you want to die an extremely gruesome and painful death.